I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
