There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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