When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
