you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
