Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
A bitchslap is in order.
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