So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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