The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
