why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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