I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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