Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just gift wrapped bread.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
