So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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