then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Randomize
