This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
