Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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