Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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