I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
