her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
