Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
