he thought i was a dude.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
