Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
