i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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