don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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