I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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