I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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