Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
