Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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