worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So here I am, sexting at work.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
