I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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