I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
COCAINE IS GR8
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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