even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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