Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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