If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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