I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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