I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
