It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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