i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
