he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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