i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I came so hard my ears popped.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
