I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You are the jesus of drinking
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
