when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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