The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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