I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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