fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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