She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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