dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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