alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
