I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
two words...techno handjob
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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