that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
