just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
