Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
