Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
