I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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