Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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