i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
