I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
