I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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