Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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