Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
accomplished twins. life is a go
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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