Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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